How to Build a Long Lasting Relationship

Everyone wants a butterflies-in-your-stomach still-in-love-50-years-later kind of love. But, based on the research of failed relationships and marriages, not many are willing to put in the work to accomplish this kind of love. Relationships are hard work. Even the most successful couples admit that keeping their love alive isn’t easy.^[1] However, if you’re willing to put in the effort, you can build a long-lasting relationship.

Communicating Effectively

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   Practice active listening. This means preparing to listen to hear the message of your partner and not to prepare your defense. Find a time and place where you can be without distractions and focus only on what your partner is saying. Try to set aside your negative perceptions about his or her actions or motives so you can focus on the conversation in real time. ^[2]

   • Orient towards your partner. Make eye contact. Nod your head when you agree and show you are attentive. After he or she finishes speaking, paraphrase what was said like “What I heard you say was that…” and ask any questions to clarify whether you got the right message “Am I right in thinking you feel like…?”
   • Be aware of the nonverbal signs as well as what is said out loud. Does the message your partner is sharing with you line up with the nonverbal cues? Also, look for signs of tension or frustration. Balled fists, crossed arms, or frowns may demonstrate that the other person needs a break or is to upset to resolve any issues right now.
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   Use “I” statements. Communication is not about blame, it is about responsibility. “I” statements start with how you are feeling about the behavior or action of your partner. It means you take ownership of your feelings and also suggest a way to improve the behavior. The focus is not to tell your partner the action is bad, just to share your own experience of it.^[3]

   • "You" statements frequently blame the other person. Avoid making these kinds of statements. They may sound like "You are always making big purchases without asking me first!"
   • An example of an “I” statement may be “I feel confused when you make big purchases without me because I thought we agreed to go together. From now on, I would like to be included in these purchases.”
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   Use a soft, warm tone when speaking.Your relationship should be based on mutual respect and love, not fear. A soft voice reflects the love, compassion and understanding that is missing from yelling. Meet your partner’s eyes and speak from a place of love and understanding. Disagreements don’t require anger and yelling to resolve.

   • If affectionate names are commonly used in your relationship, you can use such names to show that you still care for your partner even during a disagreement. Saying things like "What do you think, dear?" or "I'm sorry I disappointed you, baby. How can I make things right?" may help to ease the tension.
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   Be respectful to your partner always.Save harsh words, even during arguments. You can’t take back what’s been said. When you say something hurtful to your partner you send the message that a disagreement is equivalent to a war. You are on the same side. Remember that.

   • To prevent saying nasty things and getting caught up in anger, many couples use a “24 hour” rule. In this scenario, if things get too heated, they table the discussion for 24 hours so both parties calm down and are able to talk. It is pretty rare to find a discussion that can’t wait for a cooling down period if need be.^[4]